Four Beheadings and a Funeral Read online

  Four Beheadings and a Funeral

  Eric Ugland

  Air Quotes Publishing, Inc.

  Air Quotes Publishing, Inc.

  Copyright © 2020 Eric Ugland

  Cover by Sarah Anderson/No Synonym

  All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  This is a work of Fiction. Of Fantasy. All of the characters in this novel and series are fictional and any resemblance to people living, dead, or undead is purely coincidental and surprising. Mentions of places are incidental, accidental, and mostly inconsequential. The magic and spells have been researched in absolutely no way whatsoever, and any ill-effects after you attempt to cast them are completely on you.

  Also, that which you seek, should you be seeking, is at the end. Smooches.

  Also by Eric Ugland

  The Bad Guys - Epic LitRPG/GameLit

  Scamps & Scoundrels

  Second Story Man

  Skull and Thrones

  Roseland - Private Investigator Mysteries

  Series One

  Series Two

  Series Three

  To Gaius Primus.

  You are an unsung hero.

  Thank you for all you do.

  Chapter One

  And when I opened my eyes, I was looking into another pair of eyes. Familiar eyes that shouldn’t be in existence anymore, because the last time I’d seen them, they’d been in a disembodied head that was sitting on a table. With no body anywhere to be found. Emeline had been beheaded by the Master, and now she was in my room, her head seemingly reattached to her body, staring at me in my bed.

  “Evening Montana,” Emeline said. “I think it’s time to have a chat.”

  I blinked. My brain was having trouble processing what exactly I was seeing.

  “The fuck?” I started with, which seemed like an eloquent enough way to address the situation. Then I shouted and leapt up from bed, throwing my covers at the thing that looked like Emeline. I reached my hand out.

  The throwing axe zoomed across the room and smacked into my palm. I was about to strike down the foul beast when I got a decent look at Emeline, or the thing that looked like Emeline, struggling to get out from under the blanket I’d tossed on her.

  It was all too pathetic to keep my blood up.

  “Do you need help?” I asked.

  I heard someone trying my door. Likely one of my honor guard minotaurs about to guard me.

  I grabbed Emeline, tossed her into the bed, and jumped in after her. After a quick bit of rearranging the covers, I had it looking like it was just me in there, sleeping.

  The door crashed open as my lock was ripped asunder. A huge bull’s head pushed into my room.

  He scanned for danger, then stopped and looked at me as I sat up in bed.

  “I heard shrieking,” he said.

  “I wouldn’t say I was shrieking.” I replied.

  “That was you?”

  “I mean, I, uh. Must have been a cat outside.”

  He snorted, shook his big head, then stomped back outside, pulling the door shut behind him.

  Emeline pushed the covers down and sat up, revealing that she was dressed rather similarly to me.

  As in, wearing basically nothing. She had a hooded black cloak on, but that was it, and it had slipped more than a bit since she’d gotten in bed with me.

  “What the hell are you doing?” she whispered.

  “What am I doing? What are you doing?”

  “Trying to talk to you.”

  “You’re supposed to be dead.”

  “Well, I’m not.”

  “Obviously. And why are you naked?”

  “Why are you naked?”

  “I’m sleeping in my bed!”

  “I don’t have any clothes because someone cleaned out my closet.”

  “Um, because you were dead.”

  “I’m not dead.”

  “Yeah, I’m picking up on that. Care to elaborate?”

  “Are we safe here?”

  “In my bed? I’m willing to go out on a limb and say I’m safe here. I don’t know about you. I don’t even know what you are.”

  “I’m Emeline.”

  “Emeline the human?”

  “Yes.”

  “Care to explain the head?”

  “Which one?”

  “The one that we found.”

  “That’s a bit more complicated.”

  “I would hope so.”

  “Do you know what a simulacrum is?”

  “Sounds slimy.”

  “There can be slime involved, but no. It’s a bit of magic that creates an exact duplicate of yourself.”

  “So, your head was from your simulacrum — unless you’re the simulacrum!”

  “I’m not the copy—”

  “That’s what the copy would say.”

  “That’s not what the copy would say. The copy would say, ‘I’m the copy,’ because the copy knows it’s the copy.”

  “I’m not following the why of this whole thing.”

  “I made a copy of myself because I knew someone was going to cut my head off.”

  “Wait, how did you know you’d be decapitated?”

  She rolled her eyes at me. “Minor exaggeration. I knew my life was on the line and I was probably about to die. So I made a copy of myself and then sent the copy of myself to be a little too nosey in Osterstadt.”

  “You sent the copy to die?”

  “Exactly. Now, as long as no one knows I’m alive, I’m out of danger.”

  “There’s a certain logic there.”

  “Thank you.”

  “I didn’t say it was good logic. I mean, I know you’re alive—”

  “I need you to know—”

  “Then your plan falls apart.”

  “No, we need to talk about things.”

  “Is one of the things that you’re naked in my bed?”

  “Not unless you want it to be.”

  “I mean, it does make me curious how you got here with no clothes on.”

  “Feet.”

  “Okay, but where were you?”

  “Above Osterstadt.”

  “Naked?”

  “No, but — why does that matter?”

  “Curiosity.”

  “Aren’t you more curious about who killed me?”

  “I already know who killed you. I mean, your copy.”

  “How?”

  “The Master left me a note claiming responsibility. And also explaining that he cleaned out the holding of Corrupted Ones for me.”

  “The first part is true — he was behind the killing. But the second part is not. Those people he had killed were all taken from here and used.”

  “Used? For what? But I saw bodies. They--“

  “You saw the bodies before they were taken out of here.”

  “How’d they get them out?”

  “The same way they’ve been getting other bodies out — your stupid secret tunnel.”

  “How did you know about the tunnel?”

  “It is the worst kept secret in the Empire.”

  “It can’t be that bad.”

  “Oh? How many people have used it lately?”

  “I don’t know, I’ve—”

  “It is pretty damn constant. Almost no one bothers with the tunnel anymore. They all use the ‘secret’ entrance that is quickly becoming the easy way in and out.”

  “Why?’

  “Because people are lazy and that is easier than leaving the mountain, going through the gates, and going all the way down the creepy t
unnel.”

  “It’s not creepy,” I said.

  “When’s the last time you went down it?”

  “I mostly go around it.”

  “See.”

  “I’m not avoiding it—”

  “All I’m saying—”

  “It’s not important. You’re saying people are being taken from here.”

  “I am.”

  “Who?”

  “I don’t know. Who’s gone missing lately?”

  “Fuck,” I said, remembering Nikolai telling me about missing people. His theory, and mine too at the time, was the goblins. “We thought it was the night goblins.”

  “Pretty sure it is not.”

  “But you aren’t positive.”

  “I have been focused on the Master, not your pointless goblins.”

  “So it might not be—”

  “I know at least some of your missing have wound up with the Master.”

  “What’s his game?”

  “That I do not know. He is very secretive—”

  “He has a cult.”

  “I know. I know all about that asshole Donner you insisted on rescuing. He is in deep with the Master.”

  “I don’t think they’re human.”

  “Yeah. That I am fucking sure of.”

  “So what are they?”

  “I don’t know for sure, but I have some theories.”

  “Vampires?”

  “It’s not my top choice, there’s been some movement during daylight, but there are always ways Vampires figure out how to brave the sun. They use thralls or ghouls, or what-have-you. So yeah, could be vampires. Might be vampires, but there is also a chance it is a lycanthropy of some form. Maybe something new, but, again, I have my doubts.”

  “What’s the top choice?”

  “Croakers.”

  “Croakers. Are those like frogs?”

  “No.”

  “Is there a reason for the name?”

  “Eventual sound they make.”

  “Eventual?”

  “It’s complicated. I’ve been doing some research on them, and there is the potential for them to be anywhere. It is more a matter of them not always lasting that long when they show up.”

  “I think it’s pretty clear I have no idea what a croaker is. Care to share?”

  “It is more a thing you can become—”

  “Me?”

  “I don’t know if you can, people can. You eat enough flesh of sapients and you gain power from it.”

  “Explain.”

  “Like, if you died and I ate you, I might gain a portion of your strength.”

  “Gross, but I could understand it to an extent.”

  “Right, well, the more you eat, the more powerful you become, but the greater your hunger grows. And there’s no way to stop the process once you start, because you eventually can’t control the hunger, and you devolve into a horror of power, trying to eat everything. And once in that state, they make a croaking sort of noise. Supposedly.”

  “That sounds, uh, problematic,” I said.

  “They are horrific monsters on their own, but if someone has figured out a way to build a cult around them, then they will destroy this city if they are not stopped.”

  “So what exactly do you want me to do about it?”

  “I need you to help me stop them.”

  “I’m kind of in the middle of a lot here--“

  “Montana.”

  * * *

  You have been offered a quest by Emeline Rogers:

  Save the City, Save the Girl

  Destroy the monsters who’ve invaded the city under the leadership of a creature named The Master.

  Reward for success: Emeline Rogers

  Penalty for failure (or refusal): Unknown

  Yes/No

  * * *

  I was immediately of two minds. First, I didn’t want her as a reward. But I did want to help her. And I wanted to kill the Master. Or do something to him to get rid of him. But I knew I couldn’t exactly take the quest and refuse the reward. According to Nikolai, and ol’ Cleeve, that was Bad with a capital “B”.

  “I don’t want to,” I said. “I really need to finish working the problems here—”

  “But I need you,” she said. “And you owe me.”

  “How do you figure?”

  “You let me die!”

  “You didn’t die, you send your copy to die. And it wasn’t—”

  “Montana.”

  “Emeline. I can say your name too.”

  “Please.”

  I looked at her, her big eyes focused on mine, imploring. She was also not exactly being subtle at letting her cloak fall open just enough to reveal a bit of enticement.

  “Is that why you came here naked?” I asked, stepping out of bed. “I’ll do it, but not for that reason.”

  “I need help, Montana. I was willing to do what it took.”

  “It won’t take that. Apparently, it only takes saying please and giving me puppy dog eyes.”

  “You want me to get eyeballs for you? Disturbing.”

  “It’s a saying.”

  “Stupid saying.”

  “Whatever. I’m in this now. Let’s go talk to Nikolai about—”

  “No one can know I’m back.”

  “That’s not happening. I need to let him know what’s going on or he’s going to flip out.”

  “Then make something up.”

  “No.”

  “Montana—”

  “Let’s not do the name thing again. It didn’t work so well the first time, and--“

  “Fine! I will get you eyes.”

  “That’s not what it means.”

  “Then—”

  “Nikolai isn’t going to tell anyone. He’s part of my hirð, and he’s a good human being on top of that. Even if he is a bit of a dick at times, he can keep a secret. Probably also need to tell—”

  “No one else.”

  “We’ll keep it as quiet as possible, but I’m not just abandoning my people to solve your quest. There’s a bunch of shit going on here—”

  “Your missing people are related to the Master.”

  “I know. Look, let’s just go talk to Nikolai,” I said, walking over to my wardrobe and pulling out clothes. “I don’t want to have to go over this twice. You can come or not, but—”

  She was already standing next to me, though she’d moved so quickly and quietly that my brain was having a hard time processing it.

  “Shit,” I said, “can you wear a bell or something?”

  Chapter Two

  We found Nikolai in his office. Which was also, conveniently, his bedroom. I knew he had an actual bedroom somewhere in the mountain-home, or whatever we were going to call this city inside the mountain. I guess it was a little more than a bedroom, more like an apartment, but it didn’t really matter since Nikolai never left his office.

  I gave a polite knock before bursting in. Nikolai jumped out of bed impressively quickly, still wearing his clothes from the day. Or, at least he was still wearing the clothes he’d been wearing when I’d arrived on Air Fritz.

  “What is—” he stammered, “is there—”

  “I’ve got a friend who needs to talk to you,” I said.

  “What?”

  I stepped aside, letting Emeline sweep into the room. She lowered her hood, and Nikolai’s eyes went wide. He reached for his sword, which wasn’t at his hip, and then tripped over his feet and smacked his butt on the stone floor.

  “Easy there,” I said.

  “How—” he started.

  “Simulacrum,” she said.

  “What part did you give up?” he asked.

  She held up her hand, and I saw that she was missing a finger.

  Nikolai nodded, and slowly got to his feet. “Who was trying to kill you?”

  “This asshole called the Master,” I said. “He’s—”

  “Do you mind if I tell it?” Emeline asked, shooting me a dirty look.

&n
bsp; “Do you need a set of clothes?” Nikolai asked.

  Emeline looked down. She’d put her hands on her hips and was showing off a bit more of herself than expected. She pulled her cloak around her tightly.

  “I am fine for the moment, Nikolai,” she said. “The Master runs a cult. I have been investigating him with my father, and the Master found out about me. Likely thanks to Donner—”

  “I remember Donner,” Nikolai said. “The man we rescued from the bottom of the dungeon.”

  “Right. I think the followers are vampires, lycanthropes, or croakers. Or in the process of becoming them. And I think—”

  “The missing people are going to the Master,” I finished.

  “Seriously?” Emeline squeaked. “You stole my fucking thunder.”

  “How?” Nikolai asked.

  “I guess by saying that the missing—” I started, but Nikolai frowned at me and shook his head.

  “How are the missing people going to the Master?” he clarified.

  “Ahh. Makes more sense to ask that.”

  “Don’t you have something else you could do?” Emeline asked. “If I have to tell him I’m still alive, I’m going to lay all of this out with you getting in the way.”

  “Uh, I mean, yes,” I replied. “Maybe.”

  Emeline tilted her head to the side, and gave me the get-out-of-here-already look.

  “Just going to take care of something,” I said, getting to my feet.

  “Wait—” Nikolai started, but I gave him a smile and kept going.

  Chapter Three

  I’d been putting something off for a while.

  Loot.

  I’d gathered up plenty of it over the past few weeks of quests and adventures, and it was high time to empty out the unfillable knapsack and see what I had. If for no other reason than to make sure there were enough weapons for me to pull.

  That meant walking all the way back up to my apartment in the sky, getting the bag, and then bringing it down to the throne room. I figured Emeline and Nikolai would work things out about the Master soon enough, and I’d be nearby if I needed to intercede for any reason. I also summoned some prinkies, and I had them carry down all the various chests that were around my room. The things I’d taken out of the bag and not put back. And the things that I was worried about putting in the bag, because I wasn’t really sure if you could put a bag of holding in a bag of holding. That seemed to be breaking a cosmic law of some sort, and I really didn’t want to see if I was able to regenerate after being compressed in a black hole or sucked out to some other dimension.